what's your problem? can't you just be happy with what you have?
no, you always have to complicate things...want more (even if 2 days ago you were sure that THAT was exactly what you wanted..not more)...
at the same time, MORE scares you...to death...so you can't possibly admit that you want it? or can you?
...well, when you're drunk you can do a lot of things... you can cry over a lot of things.. things you have, things you want, things you don't want to want...
friends try to help you, but how could they understand you, if not even you understand what's going on in your head? they give you advice...contradict each other... one day you think one is right, the next day the other...it all just confuses you even more...
you try to figure out how to change the situation...what kind of action would be the best to take?
just say it aloud? ...but that will make it real...and you can't go back...
no, that's not what you want...
but go on like it is? no, that's not it either...
you consider escape..some might say that's the easiest way to handle it...just give up completely if you can't figure out how much you want...others might say it's the most stupid thing to do...because you will hurt yourself for sure instead of taking the chance to try and have at least a 50% chance of being happier...
but...

...so instead of taking a decision you decide not to decide...
the current situation is not that bad after all...
you are good at pretending that everything is fine as it is...
and you can go on, and on, and on...
until you break again...
feel sad, cry, scream and decide to change something...
but...

I realized that writing is much easier for me, when I'm sad, when I'm restless and still can't find any solution to what is bothering me...then I write.
Finding the right words to express my feelings and thoughts gives me an incredible relief...
Even if no-one will ever read most of the things I write..or maybe because it's just for me that I write, I can find myself, get calm and try and restructure my life.
Then I get quiet until my life has had enough time to mess itself up again...
...and I do my best to help it with this task...just to make sure it doesn't get too boring...

il y a un an environ...

Tu me demandes pourquoi..encore et encore. Tu pleures. Je ne t'ai jamais vu pleurer avant. Je te prie d'arrêter de pleurer, de demander. Je n'ai pas la force de te dire autre chose. Peut-être j'ai déjà trop dit.

Tu veux me pardonner à condition que je fasse l'effort d'essayer de t'aimer à nouveau, pour toujours cette fois-ci. J'aimerais te répondre que oui, je veux réessayer, mais je n'y arrive pas. C'est vrai que ce que nous avions, était spécial. Je pensais que tu étais l'amour de ma vie....mais si tu l'étais, pourquoi aurais-je fait ce que je savais allait rompre notre amour? Pourquoi te trahir, si je t'aime?
Non, tu ne peux pas le croire, tu ne veux pas le croire. “Tu ne le referais pas, n'est-ce pas? Il doit y rester de l'amour pour moi, tout ce qu'on avait ne peut pas disparaître dans une nuit...”
Mon coeur me dit que tu as raison, que l'amour est encore là, enseveli sous l'avalanche de fardeaux accumulés pendant ces années de relation à distance et déclenché par un petit sourire d'un autre, d'un français.

Tu ne les as jamais aimés, ces français qui ne parlent que leur langue avec leur arrogance qui pour toi était un signe de stupidité. Tu ne pouvais pas comprendre mon amour pour cette langue, ce pays, ce peuple. Quand je te disais que j'allais faire des études en France tu avais déjà ce pressentiment funeste. Je t'avais dit que ta prémonition n'allait pas se réaliser. Je t'ai menti. Peut-être tu me connais déjà mieux que je me connais moi-même.

Et si nous restions ensemble, comment ferais-tu à me faire confiance? Et moi, comment ferais-je à ne pas te décevoir à nouveau?

Un jour je me réveillerai et je me rendrai compte, que tu étais l'amour de ma vie, que te quitter était la plus grande bêtise que j'aie pu faire...mais c'est la vie... il faut tenter, prendre des risques et après nous verrons si c'était une bonne décision ou non et si le résultat ne nous plaît pas, nous essayons encore et encore jusqu'à ce que notre vie nous plaise et qu'elle vaille la peine d'être vecue.

how to have a better relationship with oneself

as in all relationships, it's all about communication!
I can tell you that, because I it's not one of my strongest points (even if I study communication), but as I'm a very positive person (most of the time) I would call my "talent" for ruining relationships..

if you say too much, it won't work...everyone needs his/her secrets!
if you say too little...it means you accept whatever...don't you have your own opinion?
if it is just a relationship based on somewhat called love, then well...everyone needs change from time to time..and I make sure my relationships don't go on for too long...
but if it is my relationship with myself...then that's a problem...it is quite difficult to find another me when I get sick of my old one..
my body does a great job communicating when I sleep to little (I look particularly good then), or takes its revenge when I drink too much (in form of a horrible hangover that can last as long as a couple of days)...
my brain on the contrary prefers not to communicate too much...or when it does it loves contradicting itself...
so..if I wanted to know what I really want, I would get no answer at all...or all the answers that might come up would be contradicted somehow...
if I don't know what I want, how can I be happy?
..it's simple! ...if you don't tell me what you want, then you'll have to live with what you get!
dear brain...don't communicate!
I'm happy with life as it is...I don't need to make any plans for the future... that would only give you a chance to tell me that it's NOT what you want.
I would say in the relationship with myself I do understand that my body needs to communicate to slow me down from time to time...but my brain...please just let me live!

if you had to go on a trip and there was one piece of luggage with all the things you need, properly packed, but a little boring looking and than there was another one...really new and shiny, but you have no idea what is in it...which one would you choose?
Can anyone please tell me, why I go for the second one?!?!?

a day full of decisions...good ones, bad ones...
but as Steve Jobs said, the important thing is that the dots connect when you look back..
so it can't be that bad creating some dots...what should we connect afterwards if there are none?

too perfect to be true

You know this feeling, when everything is just feeling sooo right?
You wake up and the sun is shining (in England that's really rare!!!) and you have this smile on your face...you have breakfast and are not even late for whatever you have to do, everyone you cross seems to smile back and it promises to be a great day...
..and that's when I start to be suspicious...
I mean...it's impossible that everything goes so smoothly...there has to be something wrong...and I'm gonna find the piece that doesn't fit! I will!!
...and that's where I start ruining it all...
Asking the wrong questions, saying things nobody wants to hear, behaving weirdly without reason...
That's what I'm good at!
So I will try to be very positive about that:
I have the talent to make my life more interesting!
Life would be disgustingly easy without me complicating it!

...and that's where I can bore you all!! ;)

Welcome to my official new playground!
I really don't need to tell anyone who knows me, that I love speaking...
about me especially...
so here we go...whoever reads this...be aware!
I warned you! This blog is not meant to entertain, it's meant to help me survive..
because if there is something you should know about me it's that
I'M NOT GOOD AT LIFE.